Somehow he got to admit what I've been subconsciously denying about myself for a while. Today Pastor Glen Berteau, an AWESOME man of God, asked us a question. It was a simple question, and he didn't even drag the asking or use a tone or whatever, he just asked honestly...
"Do you know if you're going to heaven?"
For some reason, my mind went "Am I?". Then I suddenly realised what I had thought and asked myself again, "Wait... I am... right?"
And then God asked me, "There you go, why do you doubt yourself?"
Daddy God hit me right there. When Pastor Glen called for prayer, my hand just went up, and I moved out of my seat scared, though without much hesitation and could feel myself crying but yet I could feel God encouraging me and thanking me for the courage to step out and finally admit.
On some sundays, somehow I had a prompting to go up for prayer and ask God for anointing, for spiritual revival and guidance. But I didn't. Some days I had a prompting by the Spirit to do things yet I didn't obey.
Then somehow, as the spiritual sharing that happened and went so well months ago didn't seem to be happening - I guess I was beginning to doubt myself, and doubt the Holy Spirit working in me a bit. Yes the Spirit has been really teaching me a lot through the word - I had asked him for that at the start of term 3 - and as always, God answers prayers; hence I learned so much through the word.
Yet somehow I started to doubt myself in my ministry of reaching out. Now I know that it was the enemy filling bad thoughts in my head; I need to be stronger and face the enemy.
And I think one problem with me is that I'm too indepedent - to the extent that I try to rely on myself for spiritual advice, if you want to put it that way - I didn't consider this doubt in me, nor did I admit to it but instead supressed the thought, hence I obviously did not tell anyone, having pushed it into subconscience.
When I prayed the prayer to rededicate and stand in faith and not in doubt, I felt myself crying even harder. I felt so loved. God's love is really amazing and unfailing.
This past few days, God has been teaching me about sin and how there is only real forgiveness and repentance in confessing sin - mine was doubt - and how the Lord will not reject despite such flaws.
And God showed me the same vision he gave me weeks ago, when my spirit was revived again. Then he said, "Child, the dream is still there."
And to the person who is a part of the dream - I wanna say to you the same thing I said to you because it is what God wants to say to you and wants you to embrace: "God will keep coming for you because he loves you"; He does not control lives - he just wants to know you and you to know Him, because he is passionate about a relationship with you because he loves you.
"And you, son of man, do not be afraid of them or their words. Do not be afraid, though brers and thorns are all around you and you live among scorpions. Do not be afraid of what they say or terrified by them, though they are a rebellious house. You must speak my words to them, whether they listen or fail to listen, for they are rebellious. But you, son of man, listen to what I say to you. Do not rebel like that rebellious house; open your mouth and eat what I give you." -Ezekiel 2: 6-8